When I read other peoples' blogs, there's inevitably a stage when they run out of steam. The reasons are various; changed circumstances, the effort involved in writing something novel each day / week, a lack of new ideas or the erosion of the novelty of it all.
None of that is the case for me.
Whether you enjoy reading this blog or not, I, your author, have much pleasure in its production and in the personal intricacies of deciding what to write about and what to brush under the carpet.
But my family have managed, successfully, to wear away at my confidence by expressing their discomfort about this web site as a whole, and this blog in particular. Their concerns are mostly born of ignorance, as they haven't really been reading what I wrote. They just don't like being associated with me in a public space - they feel I'm being far too revealing about personal matters. Frankly, they're also worried about people who know them finding out "too much about me" (guess what).
For me, this web site has been an exercise in openness and I have thought through the personal issues of such transparency. Nevertheless, their views are legitimate and, however much I rail against the effective self-censorship that imposes, I have lost the heart to argue.
I always used to believe that "blood is thicker than water" and have tried always to put my family first. I don't feel that any more. My family enjoys practising a combination of love and cruelty, placing an interminable, relentless obligation on me as a never-ending tribute owed to the bloodline from which I sprung. I love them and hate them, with an intimacy and minuteness that can only be shared within a family. We know of all each others' strengths and faults, all the emotional pressure points and use them on one another relentlessly and without mercy.
As the recipient of this family sadism in respect of this web site, I've only two choices; to plough on, believing in the reasonableness of what I'm doing, or to give up. I've chosen the latter, because I've lost the will to fight them. I don't know where this will end, because I do truly love them with an intensity that I can not rationalise. But this may simply be a symptom of the well-known phenomenon of the captive's dependency and "love" for his tormentors.
All of this comes at a time in my life when I'm feeling less certain about some of the other decisions I've made. So all in all, it's better to retreat a bit into my shell for a while.
"And he called his name Gershom: for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land".
Thank you for reading JustNathan. You never know, I may be back.
Posted by nathan at July 17, 2003 05:48 AM
Nathan - saddened by the erosion and family bigotry! Do not agree with the legitimacy of their views or that Blood is Thicker than Water - it's just messier and stains!
Keep being true to yourself and spreading the love.
Love always - Vincent
Posted by: Vincent at July 17, 2003 02:02 PM
I'm going to be sad to see the end of this blog, I have really enjoyed reading it!
I have always admired you for being as honest as you were in this forum, although i suspected that even so you were holding back more.
I couldn't do the same myself, though. Even though the most interesting stuff about anyone is that which the people concerned often don't want you to hear, it is hard to go ahead and write that way. In my own blog, I definitely don't! Which is why it makes for a less intriguing read.
I do have some sympathy with the wish of your family to have their privacy respected. But you don't write about them, one the whole, so I think you do already respect their privacy a great deal.
Is no compromise possible? I wish it were, David and I love hearing about your exploits!
Posted by: Pita at July 18, 2003 04:02 PM
I believe you overstate the family's opinion about this site. The way you describe our thoughts surely is an exageration - Love us and hate us!!!!
The only part that concerned us (Mum and Dad)were a few words that you kindly deleted.
I do 'look in' on occasions and find that the site is interesting. Although I still believe that the diary tends to expose you too much. But then I am of a certain age and am not used to intimate thoughts being so widely expressed.
If the diary brings you any happiness why stop it?
As I say, no member of the family has the right to stop you and you have overstated our objections.
You should carry on with this site - it has a charm which is endearing in its own way.
I do not express myself very well within these confines but I hope you get the gist of my feelings.
Our love for you is all embracing and unconditional, as it also applies, with equal sincerity, to your brothers.
This may not be apparent to readers from your last diary entry.
So, now I have made a comment.
Posted by: John S. Hill at July 27, 2003 07:17 PM
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